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OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OOOOMYGOD! We’re going to meet JUUUULIAN! OMIGOD! And we’re going to spend the day on the set of a PORN MOVIE. OMIGOD!

But wait. LEIHA! Isn’t this how women end up in shallow graves, never to be heard from again? We’re going to the set of a PORN MOVIE? Future “stars” in a SNUFF FILM!?!?!?!

WHAT ARE WE THINKING???? (ELEVEN INCHES). That’s the lonnnng and I can’t possibly say the short of it! So she reasons with me, (twists my arm off *G*) & tells me this is a great adventure NOT to be missed. There’s nothing to worry about! And she’s right! This is indeed a “HeadMistress” adventure. Cast fate to the wind, let it take me or deliver me (to ELEVEN INCHES). Hey, I’m at the midway point of my “Last Hurrah” anyway - LET IT BE!!! And so the adventure begins…..

I did manage to control my newly acquired public fountain urges (for the most part) and Leiha arrived to pick me up. We go to her darling apartment, yak excitedly for a while and decide a bit of SHOPPING is in order. On the way home, we stopped at the supermarket for some sustenance (guacamole, chips, watermelon, wine & other assorted fruits of the Gods). We get back to her apartment & spend the evening manicuring, pedicuring, FIRMING facial masquing (me) and TRYING to rest up for the BIG (that’s rather an understatement wouldn’t you say?) okay, the HUGH ELEVEN INCH EVENT!!! And, in the midst of all this HE CALLS!!! Talk about one turning into MS KEWL, sexy, schmoozer! That’s Leiha! Shoulda heard her schmoozing with him! Like a phone call from JULIAN OF THE ELEVEN INCHES is an everyday occurrence!!! Chit-chat, small talk, occasional bursts of sexy laughter hinting at private jokes. HAH! She mighta fooled him but I SAW the sweat dripping down her face!!!! Hahahaha!

Morning comes & not a minute too soon. Every time we look at each other we squeal like a couple of girls going to the prom with the star quarterback (who no doubt had a small wanger - WE’RE going to the prom with ELEVEN INCHES of HOT BABE! - I digress).

We weren’t exactly sure of our location or what to expect but I’m feeling better knowing there aren’t too many back alley sleaze dumps in Malibu to film a porn movie. We follow our given directions….Three miles STRAIGHT UP a narrow, curvy, Malibu mountain - Oh GOD.

We’re heeeere!!!!!!!

(OGOD, a FOUNTAIN!!!! - I’m getting comfy already!). NOT! I’m shaking in my “fashionable backless pumps”. Now whatda we do??? Wander into this GRILLION DOLLAR mansion (filled with naked people no doubt) with our fingers in our noses going, “Where’s Julian”???? OOOGOD. The nightmare begins.

Did I say that? I meant..the DREAM begins. There he is! THERE HE IS, ya couldn’a missed him in a crowd! He was thoughtfully watching for us and was right there to greet us. My heart literally stopped. The vision was indescribable.

Swallowing HARD as I type this, there are no words to adequately describe the “shouldn’t even be allowed to exist” beauty of Julian Rios. And HE was waiting for US!!! OMIGOD. We were in a covered patio-type area (HUGH) with lots of tables, & people (ALL CLOTHED!) milling & bustling about, setting up lights, sound equipment, and makeup ladies readying their tools of the trade. Gosh, why does everyone look so, NORMAL??? This is a PORN set for petes sake! Where’s all the naked guys with big schlongers???? Well, only ONE exists for us, and he’s standing before us - not naked but fully & lusciously clothed to show off a body to DIE FOR and a smile to set a million pair of “silkies” on fire!!! - two pairs went up in flames at that moment!

He immediately introduces us to his wife, Jill Kelly, who graciously tells us we are to help ourselves to the layout of food and beverages which is available at all times, and gives us a cap & baby tee shirt (you know, the kind skinny babes with no body fat wear and I envision myself pulling, tugging & stretching down as far as it will go and beyond?). Julian spends some time with us letting us photograph him in the courtyard by that FOUNTAIN (very, verrry dirty notions happening now) and generally doing his best to make us feel welcome. He tells us to make ourselves comfortable, explore freely and enjoy our day. So we did!

And I was on top of the world! Here’s the view of the beautiful Pacific Ocean from just in front of where I was standing

We wiled away the afternoon just watching and taking in all the sights. Unlike Leiha I could not have kept my nose in a book if my life had depended on it. Most of all I simply watched Julian. Watched him interact with other people, watched him studying his lines, watched him simply move about. The man is the eighth wonder of the world (or whatever number we’re currently on!). Once in a while we would go get bottled water or a soft drink at the area where the food was available. (I would like to make note here - there was no alcohol of any kind on this set). Here’s a picture of a waterfall which was to the left of the food service area

All during the day Julian kept coming back to visit us to see how we were doing and talk with us. His thoughtfulness in seeing to our comfort was very endearing and meant a lot to us. We talked to a few people. The dialogue coach, some cameramen who were so very friendly and funny! A makeup lady, and the wardrobe girl was curious about our presence so we talked with her for a bit also. It seems these people work in all areas of the entertainment business.

One thing that stands out in my mind is, I had been watching one of the actresses while she was having her makeup applied and thinking what a beautiful girl she was and most definitely NOT one of those “surprises” Julian referred to in the interview!!! LOL! Even without her makeup she was a natural beauty with a wholesome, athletic, yet sexy appearance. After hair and makeup she went and put her costume on and holeee mackerel!!!!! This girl had legs from here to China! And when she walked not ONE thing JIGGLED! And WOW what an outfit she was wearing! Black velvet thong with a black velvet demi-bra (containing REAL genuine boobs!), with, well, I don’t know how to describe it other than to say it looked like bottle caps crocheted together over it! I know! Sounds weird huh? But it was GORGEOUS!

And here she is when I caught her snuggled in an overstuffed chair between scenes, reading HARRY POTTER!!!!! Haha! I made Leiha run & get her camera! This was a photo op not to be missed!

Another thing I would like to say about April is that she was the only actress on the set that approached us in a very sweet and interested way and asked us about why we were there and what we were doing. She’s a very friendly young woman and I took her e-mail address so we could send her the url for this feature.

Evening approached, and….OH. MY. GOD. LUCY & ETHEL DO PORN!!!!!!

We were sitting on some steps that led to rooms that we weren’t sure what they were for and Julian approaches us and says, “do you want to be in the movie? Extra’s?” (how many OMIGOD’s can I type here???). We sign our consent forms and the wardrobe lady says “come on we need to get you into costumes”. COSTUMES?!?!??!!? OH YESSSS!!! I can see us now - long, low cut sexy gowns or spandex pants & sequenced, open to the bellybutton tops! We’re on our way to the BIGS!!!! We follow her upstairs where there are clothes strewn about & she says to us “gosh, I don’t have much here, I didn’t know we would have extra EXTRAS!” My hands are clasped in front of my stomach in excitement, UNTIL she hands me the GODDAMN BUTT UGLIEST dress I’ve ever laid eyes on, and Leiha a pair of black PLASTIC patent leather MENS pants at least two sizes TOO BIG! She cuffs them at least a mile under and puts on MY sexy black shirt to wear with them! Well, I wouldn’t have worn this dress to a dog fight in Hooterville, but I would have worn a brown paper bag to be in this movie with JUUULIAN! (The bag woulda been more sexy! At least I could have ripped it down to my bellybutton!). Then I notice - horror of horrors! PANTY LINES across the front of the dress! OMIGOD! What could be worse than an ugly dress with PANTY LINES and this is going on film!!!! I ripped those silkies off so fast and suddenly it felt…RIGHT! My wussie’s in the open air and I’m READY TO DO PORN!!!! Who wears underpants in a porn flick? I’m one of them now! Lights! Camera! ACTION!

Fortunately, I’d told Leiha while we were getting dressed to go that day that I had brought my BEST black satin VS bikini undies to wear just because I wanted to feel sexy and it’s a good thing because there I was, standing there in them and my new black strapless bra contemplating this monstrosity of a dress and IN WALKED JULIAN!!! OMIGOD! Julian saw me in my underpants!!!!!! I almost died but he cracked up and says, “it’s okay, we all see each other”! (Yeah right Julian! *G* I know he just wanted to sneaky-peekie at me! Hahahaha!). Well, “tit for tat” I say! A short time later Leiha and I walked in on HIM!!!!! Whoooooa! I saw JULIAN in HIS underpants! Hahaha!

So we’re waiting around to find out what we’re supposed to do and HE comes down the stairs and OH - OH - OHHHHHHH! Girls, only the heartiest of us could have survived the “vision” that came at us.

Six foot two of God’s finest male creation in THE tightest black leather pants I’d ever seen and a form fitting red long sleeved top. I could only stand there with my jaw dropped and stare! LORD HAVE MERCY!

A few minutes later while we were waiting around I asked him which one of the lucky guys GETS TO DO ME!!!!!! That got a laugh out of him! (He thought I was kidding - HAH!)

Filming begins. We’re taken into the house and placed together on a beautiful sofa and told to look like we’re talking and socializing at this cocktail party (BTW, one of those other women got MY gorgeous, sexy gown!) and then to count to 15 when we heard people start talking, and to get up and casually stroll behind the couch as if we were going to some other part of the house. I look at Leiha and say “WHEN WHICH PEOPLE START TALKING???? The ones outside the french doors or the little group standing inside the room with us?”. She shakes her shoulders just as we hear, “ACTION!”. OH CRAP, what’ll we do?! (I want to take a second to tell you that the director is outside using a sound system to give his orders and EVERYONE can hear what he says). So we’re pretending to talk casually to each other when we hear some voices - our cue! We count together to 15, get up, begin to (mechanically! Haha!) walk around the sofa and on this HUGH sound system we hear “CUT!. We did it wrong. Back to the sofa. They had also given us each a flute of champagne, which by the way at this point I wanted to GUZZLE! So, we get a bit more clarification about when to start counting. We’ve got it down pat this time! We’re laughing, trying to look casual, hear the people talking, we count to 15, I accidentally SLAMMED my champagne flute on the glass top cocktail table, we get up, casually stroll away, and again over the HUGH sound system we hear…..”CUT! WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?” (the director’s not very nice) - everyone turns around and looks at US. By now I KNOW poor Julian HAS to be mortified with embarrassment - but on later reflection and knowing him as I do now, he was no doubt outside LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF at us!.

SO. We do it again! We counted right, I only slammed my flute on the table a little bit and we get up and do our “stroll”. WE GOT IT RIGHT! YAAAAY! (Now we can get the hell outta here before the director pops a blood vessel!). We scurry up to the dressing room, peel out of these things I am convinced were someone’s HALLOWEEN COSTUMES and take a HUGH sigh of relief! We’re back in our own clothes when I hear, over the sound system…..”WHERE ARE THEY?!”. O MY GOD. The wardrobe lady runs up the stairs and says “what are you guys doing?” We told her since we got it right we thought we were done. She says, “You’re IN for the duration. Get your costumes back on! Hurry!”. Ahhh SHHHIT! We change, scurry back down like a coupla DOINKS where everyone is WAITING for us. They put us in front of this little “cluster” of people and tell us when this other actor says, “Can I have your attention please”, we are to take a step forward so as to hear his announcement (introducing Julian). This is a breeze compared to having to count to 15 and set a champagne flute on a glass top table! Neuuu prob! “ACTION” he says, we do our step forward and hear….”CUT!!!!!!!!!!”. We did it wrong. OMIGOD and now Julian is right there to witness our humiliation! I don’t know what we did wrong - how can anyone F-up a STEP forward for petes sakes! Maybe Leiha stepped in one direction and I stepped in the other - I still don’t know. But anyway, the assistant director comes out and explains to us again about “stepping”. We’ve got it now! And by God when that guy yelled “ACTION” over that sound system, we took our step and DID IT RIGHT!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAY! I still think someone should have presented us with a dozen roses!

After that we sat around for quite a long time in our “costumes” when we were finally told we could change. It was getting very late and all the actors, actresses and makeup people were packing up. We asked Julian if we should leave and he said absolutely not! His scene (The BIG ONE Girls!) is CUMMING UP! I told him I thought maybe we might not be welcome because someone gave us a nasty look and he wanted to know WHO! Man, we thought he was going to beat somebody up! And you know, I do think if anyone had been unkind to us, he would have. *siiiigh*….Our Hero.

Shortly thereafter, our “hero” disappeared for a period of time. I told Leiha I was SURE he was taking his Viagara to GET READY!!! So of course, when he came back we were both checking out his crotch! *snicker*, and sure nuff girls, it was only a matter of time and that baby kept growin & growin & GROWWWWWIN till you could almost see the gosh darn VEINS on it! That puppy was GNAWING on that leather ready to rip right out!!! WHOOOOOA!

It’s now around 1:00 a.m., it’s getting chilly outside but we’re going to brave it! You don’t think we’d let a silly old thing like an ARCTIC BLAST off the ocean keep us from THE MAIN ATTRACTION do you??? Of course not! So I reload my camera. We were told by Julian that we were more than welcome to take pictures of his “scene” (his “SCENE” - Bwhahaha! Is that what they call “it” now?!?!?) and that at intervals they would stop filming and call “stills” and that is where their “still” photographer takes shots of the scenes and that’s when I could take pictures too. I had some difficulty winding the completed film off my camera to reload but I (FRANTICALLY) worked with it and reloaded a fresh film, put the flash attachment on, and off we went!!! OoooMANNNN!

The scene took place outdoors up on a beautiful grassy knoll that looked very much like a circular Grecian-style coliseum setup with tall white columns at the top and very deep steps down onto the tennis courts where the cameras and sound system were set up. This is where people would normally sit to watch tennis matches. It took a while to get all the heaters set up and everyone in place. But the moment had ARRIVED! They do some sweet dialogue and before ya know it, he's whipping it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, I wanted to run up and ask it for an autograph!!!!!! Even from where we were standing that thing was “larger than life”!!!!!!!! Up until then I had been huddled against Leiha, shivering like a personal vibrator trying to get warm but SUDDENLY the chill was gone! I kid you NOT, the shivers were gone! I went from shivering to quivering. Not a goosebump on my body (from the cold that is!).

There was a lot of interruptions from dogs barking in the distance, heater noise, and other assorted problems but they just kept DOING IT when the director yelled “ACTION!”. And I just kept snapping pictures! But in between taking pictures I found myself very much intrigued watching Julian and Jill make love. Because that is what they were doing. A beautiful couple having erotic sex. I should have felt voyeuristic or embarrassed witnessing this, but I found myself, at one point, almost mesmerized and thinking that they looked like an erotic work of art in motion. I truly was touched. Julian is so tender, his motions so fluid and gentle, while at the same time intense and needing. Taking and giving. And I tell ya, does that girl climb all over him! He is like a mountain that she has conquered and knows like the back of her hand. And, I must tell you, she’s got double jointed jaws and ONE HELLUVA NON EXISTANT GAG REFLEX!!!!! Lordy lordy! She gets the HeadMistress award of the year for wrapping those lips around THAT and still not having STRETCH MARKS!!! WhooooooooooWE! (as I kept dragging the back of my hand across my chin).

I believe it was around 3 a.m. when we decided to call it a day. Poor Leiha had to go to work in a matter of a few hours & I had a train to catch and we really were “done in”. We left without being able to say goodnight or thank you to Julian because they were still working (can you imagine TWO HOURS for one scene!). But we both wrote and thanked him profusely for one of THE most wonderful, fun and exciting days of our lives.

Now I must tell you that there is a sad part to this story, and you WILL need to get the Kleenex box. I can only tell you this as I pluck a Kleenex myself, and that is, when I took that roll of film to the custom photo lab to be developed, I got a call about an hour later with the news that NONE of my pictures would turn out. The technician looked at them and they were all blank. I truly did burst into tears. She said there were two pictures on the roll that were visible - the one of Leiha and I and Julian in his RBL t-shirt, and that was a blessing, but the others didn’t make it. My camera is a very good one that I have used for years. It is totally manual which I prefer because I can take a picture as I see it and not as the camera sees it as an automatic camera does, and I use a wonderful 50x135 zoom portrait lense. BUT, the flash attachment was not strong enough to provide the light I needed from that distance. Needless to say I am crushed and I feel as if I have let everyone down. I did contact Julian and BLED ALL OVER HIM, and (sweetheart that he is) said he would try to get some stills from the photographer who was on the set that night, but it might take a while. Obviously we would not have been able to post them on this site, but we will figure out a way to share them with all of you who would like to see them when the time comes.

Now I will close this explosion of wind with only a couple of more things (indulge me). First is to say my heartfelt thanks and NO WORDS can tell my “porn partner” how much this experience that would NEVER have happened if it weren’t for her. Leiha, you’re THE BEST! And, I think all I can say about Julian Rios at this point is this:

I arrive at the incredibly beautiful Los Angeles train station with two hours before Leiha can pick me up. No problem! This is a gorgeous place with a beautiful outdoor courtyard and….A FOUNTAIN! I can find “ways” to entertain myself (or a crowd!!). You see, I get these funny urges when confronted with a fountain these days!

The appointed time arrives after MANY hours of primping & fussing (and the ultimate perfection achieved *G*) and we’re OFF! And I will tell you, there is one, and I mean only ONE person on this earth I would even consider braving a southern California freeway for! But I will tell you, there is a hole in the passenger side of Leiha’s floorboard where my foot went through several times.

We didn’t want to be early, or even on time - fashionably late was the target so we stopped and had THE most wonderful late lunch (and myself a little glass of “courage” of the Chardonnay variety! ) at a lovely little restaurant in Malibu.

We spent some time strolling around the palatial grounds. I could get used to this “lap of luxury” - I was born to it. Apparently I got misplaced.

Here’s me doing the famous “Leiha pose” in what I guess us poor folks call the “backyard” of this incredible home. And what I’m doing in this pic reflects exactly how I was feeling - On Top Of The World!

Here she is doing an intro of some sort for the camera.

God FINALLY got it right girls!

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